bittersweet

I don’t know how the new page works. I’m that bobo with complicated blogs. Haha.

Anyway, a bit of update.

I’ve my last exam on monday (Sociology 101) and I’ve a meeting on the 22nd and the 23rd or 24th.

Oh and it’s my birthday on the 21st. Haha.

I remember my birthday last year. Debut, cmon! It was so fun seeing everyone! And well, it was just so fun.

I miss parties. And sleeping over.

Or being away from all acads bec this sem has really been hell.

*Rantsamore*

Anyway, happy sembreak, y’all!

The only way the past can haunt you is if it’s haunting.

How can it not haunt you? Stop making your life haunt-able.

Ergo, stop killing people, stop hiding corpses in your closet and dirty lingerie of former lovers under the bed.

Bleach your whole room, then evacuate, then douse with oil and light with fire.

Stand outside house and see house burn (preferably with current missus).

And like, fuck. I’m not studying. Because I’m thinking about so many things.

Screw life.

Of actual going to school and this sem is finito. I can finally breathe.

—

I was browsing through old notebooks and I happen to run into old poems I made.

I really had this distinct melody to my poems. So unfortunate that I lost it. I think depression makes me rhyme.

Will post old poems here sometime.

One’s called “Ephemeral Surrender”

First line goes “your presence causes pandemonium”

and had this line “ours is a jargon of the most dangerous desires - the paradigm of ambivalence”

It’s sad I can’t rhyme like that anymore. I miss writing poems.

Things I’m currently addicted to:

1. Detective Conan (because he never goes out of style)

2. Kaitou Kid (see number 1)

3. Manga

4. Love

5. Self

6. Feet

7. Oh great mysteries and the unknown

8. How I met your mother + Gossip Girl

9. Sleep

Because I’ll hibernate when this sem is over. This sem was hell. Oh wait, still is.

Shizz. F’ster has new layouts for their blogs.

Might blog here again.

I’ve got some pretty emo stuff here haha.

Shux I missed this. I mean, I grew up trying to maintain this site and all. Gelo and I even used our blogs to converse when we had our self-imposed hiatus ages ago. AGES ago.

And yes, we’re still together and v happy. Who ever thought that we could last this long, right?

This is probably one of the looooongest days I had so far. I. Can. Remember.

It started out last Friday, really. Went to my Film112 class at one, went home at exactly four, got all dressed up for the requiem mass of Mrs. Pascua and flew to STC around five.

I looked so respectable. I swear. I even almost forgot that I’m this evil, evil queen of deception. Anyways, everyone there was like, “Oh, you grew up so fast!” and “Dalaga ka na!” and “Gumaganda ah! Buti na lang, di nagmana sa nanay”… But the most common comment wasn’t a comment at all, rather, a peck or a squeeze in the cheeks. And yes, they all did say that I grew up beautifully. (Wag po tayo mayabangan; Nagnanarrate lang po)

All my GS teachers were there and so were my HS teachers. Was happy to see, well, everyone, actually. All of the teachers and alumnae made me feel like I’m home again and made me remember who I was and all.

Around nine that night, we went to Razons Banawe for dinner and I paid for my meal. (My mom forgot to bring money! Gah!)

We went home around ten and I stayed up all night online, talking to Doreen (loves her, really) Ivy, BA, Judd, Keisei, Aileen and other people. Slept at two.

—

Next day, woke up at six. Slept again.

Woke up at seven. Slept again.

Woke at eight. Shouted loungs out and started to panic and frantically stuffed two “change outfits” for the events that I would attend.

Arrived around half past nine at STC for the STAA (St. Theresa’s Alumnae Association) General Assembly. I was the batch representative for ‘06 and was the youngest alumna. I discovered that Ronnie Velasco, director and writer for the movie, Inang Yaya, was a Theresian. The director for the Cinemalaya entry, Still Life, was also a Theresian. Cecile Guidote-Alvarez, founder of PETA, was also a Theresian. Owner or Jollibee Banawe was also a Theresian. Grabe. Parang soro ang STAA. We’re everywhere talaga!!!

And knowing about all these people reaffirmed my belief in myself. I too can make a difference in this world. As a Theresian, I should let my let shine and be a blessing. Tagline e! hehehe

Oh yeah, may website na ang STAA.

Meeting ended at half past twelve. (Won in the raffle! Won a book entitled Biyaheng FX! Author, who’s also a Theresian, signed it! Yay!)

Took a taxi with Ate Frances, batch rep of ‘02, to the office. Arrived at office at exactly one. Had the focus group discussion with Ate Aloy, our former bureau manager and also, with Bea Lee, Anj, Hanna. Topic was about sex and the church. (At may isyu pa na late dumating ang inorder naming lunch from Chowking!)

Finished FGD around three. Bea went home, leaving Ate Astrid, Hanna and I to shoot. So around four, we went around the CP Garcia playground and started MOS-ing people. Wow. Ang dali hatakin ng mga tao that day! Amazing talaga! Tapos we went to Vinzons, where Hanna took a jeep to meet with her Aunt sa Crossings. So it was just me and Ate Astrid who met Pet at Vanguard for the interview.

Around five, we interviewed Pet at the hall near Cine Adarna. We finished in an hour and went back to the office.

We unpacked, I put some make-up on and went to Philcoa an hour later, where K.Lim was waiting for me. She took me to Gazebo Royale. This was where Abi’s debut was celebrated.

—

The Gazebo Royale was… magical? Well, the theme was magic and the table names were spells from HP. My table was Expelliarmus. Lol. Hya wanted to sit at the Avada Kedavra table. And she did!
Had mighty good fun with HS friends. Only one thing pissed me off - it was a formal attire debut and I was wearing semi-formal. Sheesh, why am I always a victim of dress codes? Ay, tsaka yung emcee kept mispornouncing HP terms and people’s names. And I happen to notice that she’s very fond of the word “lovely”. Like, “… now let’s meet her lovely brother, her lovely mom, her lovely sister.. isn’t it lovely? Oh now let’s applaud this lovely lady. Now, this lovely gift…” ROFLMAO.

Anyways, for some strange reason, had more fun than usual. Felt so at peace. It’s nice. It’s kinda like HS all over again.

Was part of 18 shots. Drank wine. Woohoo! Di ako nalasing, infernez. Tas became a proxy for Ashley who went home early. After the debut, photoshoot uli! Loveit. Loveit. Loveit.

It was half past midnight when I came home. Nakisabay kay Freya pauwi. Ang saya talaga. This is one of the loveliest days ever. Lovely, lovely, lovely. (nakakahawa yung emcee na yun! babatukan ko talaga yun! XD)

I thrive for a complicated life.

I love being the “undefined”, the “this requires a long explanation”.

Because, frankly said, I’m not that simple either. I can’t be defined that easily.

I have the oddest wants and needs.

I love being thrown into imbroglios. I love the suffering, the drama and the pockets of hope and flashes of smiles in between.

I guess I’m just built that way.

I hope you understand that I’m just like this.

Supposed to be writing film112 reaction paper and journ101’s reading synopsis and preparing power suit for tomorrow’s class under (yes, under) Sir Avecilla and browsing through Ma’am Holmes’ readings and finishing script (which is taking a century to be transcribed). . .

But no. I am here for another complaint, another dictum that I need to exhaust.

So here I am.

In some sort of like/love withrawal. It’s funny how the different forces at play eat your brain cells and morals up. It’s like you want to care but you feel like it’s so below you - but that just means that you don’t (in the first place) because you just dismissed a desparate, personal suggestion.

Then you reminisce and all of a sudden you feel like fighting for making the feelings stay because taking the gamble means a chance at succeeding. Then you’re scared so you don’t take it.

Then you’re back to where you were - feelings limbo. You feel the hugs, the kisses, even indulge in the sweet nothings but inside, you’re on some autopilot of some kind. Like, you don’t know what you’re supposed to feel. Or if you should be feeling at all. Or if you should be called human, at the very least.

The only way out of this is if an outside force either hoists you up or pulls you down. You may be happy or not for whichever place you end up on but anywhere else would be better than some god-forsaken-vestibule of undiscovered feelings and forgotten passion.

“I love you” contains eight letters…

But so does “bullshit”.

(a quote from Aleli)
—

I’ve edited these grade school english grammar books last summer. And one of the lessons were about root words. We obviously know what that is, right?

So what’s the root word of “reality”? If my grade school teacher taught me right, it is “real”. And real can be interpreted in so many ways by many different people. Some say it’s in direct proportion with the truth, but I disagree with that. Mostly because deception has been a very big part of my reality and a minute’s worth of honesty is next to imposible.

What I have learned about “reality” so far is that it consists of the bitter and the sweet. And you never really get to appreciate the other side of it without falling trap to the other. It works that way, I guess. Must be nature’s way of balancing out things.

So, “facing” reality must mean… well, facing it - offering your face to be slapped and carressed at the same time.

—

Personally, i’ve always prefered to live in my dreams, in my wishes. But I have to grow up, right? I need to wake up to smell the roses and smell the shit. No one’s asking me to but I know this will make me stronger.

It will hurt. I will bleed. But the important thing is, I’ve freed myself of the bondage (sometimes sugar-coated with the sweetest words) and let loose the blindfold of ignorance and wishful thinking. Because reality isn’t about the what-should-have-been and what-could-be. It’s about what is and what’s there.

There will always be things that you have always wished for and thought of that will never even take its place in our realm and there would always be those things that you have never imagined but happened anyways. The least we could do is accept these “realities” and make the most out of it.

It’s practical, simple and logical.

It may hurt us, gladden us and even kill us.

But that’s life.

You grow up and you learn.

You live in “reality” because that’s the only “place” you can live. Really.