bittersweet

Whenever I google my name, this blog is one of the top searches. FTW! Ergo, I shall mention my name here more and refer to myself in the third person for more erm, net visibilty.

Eg: Nicai is so pretty and so cute and oh she’s a twisted bitch but only when you don’t feed her well.

Haha! Anyway, I just came back from UP’s lantern parade and it’s my first time watching the entire thing. When I was a freshie, the parade was cancelled due to the whole TOFI issue and BOR meet. Last year, I was able to watch and take some pictures but I wasn’t able to finish the whole thing. This year, we were at Engg then at Quezon Hall and we were seated in front of the hosts, which was one of the best seats in the house - er, university.

So many friends and acquiantances participated in the parade.

Nicai (haha)

Some of them were displaying their works and mini-lanterns, some of them were in floats, some of them were waving banners and some were shouting their hearts out to profess their beliefs. At that moment, I felt genuinely jealous of them. I guess I realized how much they’ve achived and grown. And where does that leave me? I’m still sitting in the sidelines, idly watching.

I swear I’ll join the lantern parade next year. I just wish my college wins again. Haha

Cue sad music.

I don’t have a haven. I thought I had but everytime I think I’m sure, that’s when the heavens disprove my beliefs. It’s always been that way.

Now when did I know that my life can’t be too perfect?

Prolly when I was in third grade and realized that all the group productions I direct don’t turn out the way I plan. There’s always something that needs to be compromised, something that won’t fit into the ideal.

Ideals are called just that. Ideals were synonymous to impossible.

Then I entered high school and lowered my expectations and had run-of-the-mill dreams and acted as if possessed by it and for several blissful moments, I was happy.

Then I became a wreck again and I thought that was the end for me but then I found love.

Then I thought I’d be okay again but somehow, I felt trapped. Trapped as in I don’t know what I’m doing and if it’s right or…

No, I don’t want to run away. Do I delude myself that everything is happy and all right? Maybe it really is like that and I’m just scared to be happy because I know it’s an elusive bitch.

Maybe I’m pretending to be happy pretending to be not-happy but then I don’t know which is the chicken or the egg and I end up confusing myself.

So I choose to preocuppy myself with things that will avoid such subjects such as manga and friends’ problems.

Because I want to cry but I’m afraid I’ll dehydrate.

Because I’m scared to face all of ‘em.

Or maybe I still have hope that what I think is the inevitable is not the ending life has for us.

I want to study the psychology behind trauma and the healing process. Lord knows I need it.

You don’t understand, do you? Trusting was never a problem. You’re a very bad liar and my intuion’s just insane like that.

What I don’t want is not being able to control you and predetermine your moves. And I’m twisted like that, I guess.

I don’t want you seeing ghosts and corpses, especially those I’ve killed. Winning means moving away from all of this, don’t you see?

—

Sometimes it disturbs me how my life turned out to be, how cliche it is  and how meaningless and empty it is at times.

I still am aiming for world domination but growing up just makes me realize how harder and how bigger the world really is.

I don’t know how the new page works. I’m that bobo with complicated blogs. Haha.

Anyway, a bit of update.

I’ve my last exam on monday (Sociology 101) and I’ve a meeting on the 22nd and the 23rd or 24th.

Oh and it’s my birthday on the 21st. Haha.

I remember my birthday last year. Debut, cmon! It was so fun seeing everyone! And well, it was just so fun.

I miss parties. And sleeping over.

Or being away from all acads bec this sem has really been hell.

*Rantsamore*

Anyway, happy sembreak, y’all!

The only way the past can haunt you is if it’s haunting.

How can it not haunt you? Stop making your life haunt-able.

Ergo, stop killing people, stop hiding corpses in your closet and dirty lingerie of former lovers under the bed.

Bleach your whole room, then evacuate, then douse with oil and light with fire.

Stand outside house and see house burn (preferably with current missus).

And like, fuck. I’m not studying. Because I’m thinking about so many things.

Screw life.

i should be in school now but i’m at home! lol! somebody’s become a bad influence lately… hmm…

so everybody knows that i’m confused with life, ne? and confusion is good.

what am i saying?!?

—

a number of people have been saying (since, like, HS) that my life is like a compilation of scenes from different movies of different genres. yeah, i agree.

cake: your life is just like a chick flick!

nicai: no, it’s actually the suspense type, the cloak and dagger kind of mystery

cake: ‘:p

—

hmm… is this why i took film?

surprised kayo noh? kala nio journ major ako! kahit pag bumabalik akong school (STC) kala nilang lahat journ ako.

mukha ba akong journ student? haha. oo UP Journ Club ako and iloveit there and i have a lot of friends na journ at oo, tumatambay ako sa dept at kilala ko si ate raquel pero film pa rin ako! film pa rin ako! alam ko pa rin ang ibig sabihn ng agitate at low depth of field! *cries and runs away*

—

oo mapagpanggap ako. andami ko na nga naloloko eh.

innocent freshie: ah, ate, anong year na po uli kayo?

nicai: third.

innocent freshie: ano pong dan papuntang office of admissions?

nicai: mag-TOKI ka. dadaan yun dun.

innocent freshie: salamat po (hops away)

nicai: oh crap! teka, OUR pala yun!

—

(en route to xmas party; dumaang stc)

kuya gelo: batchmates kayo ni claire di ba?

nicai: mas bata ako ng 1 year!!! lower batch ako!!!

kuya gelo: (makes a weird face)

—

(sa tambayan)

ate melai: di ba second year ka na?

nicai: hindi po. freshie pa lang po.

ate melai: huh? talaga?

—

(sa tambayan uli)

ate peps: ha teka? first year ka pa lang?

nicai: (nods with a big grin on her face)

ate peps: ah siguro na-stereotype lang namin yung mga freshie na tahimik tapos sobrang galang (reenacts)

ate nike: oo nga nung first year nga ako, kalahati lang ng pwet ko yung inuupo ko dito sa bench!

nicai: ‘:p

—

(sa cine adarna)

nicai: siyempre di ako nanunuod ng film eh film major pa naman ako

kuya gelo: WHAT?! di ba journ ka? akala ko journ ka!

nicai: film ako! bakit kayo ganyan lahat? (cries)

—

siyempre hindi yan ang exact nilang sinabi pero ganyan ang diwa. tsaka animated version yan hehe. (kahit walang animation)

so bakit ganun? bakit lagi na lang ako pinagkakamalang at napagbibintangan? nasaan na ang hustisya? hindi na malinaw ang linya sa pagitan ng itim at puti!

o_o

iba na ata sinasabi ko! hahaha! ay isang pang misconception sa akin ay only child daw ako. i may act and look like one pero ate po ako ng isang stick bug na mahilig magpanggap na computer at isang biik na mahilig magbasa ng libro (at manuod ng ANTM!)…

gulat na naman kayo, noh? but the greatest surprise of all is something that only a few poeple in my life know… and it’s something that would definitely top the list of “greatest misconceptions about nicai”

whatisit?

hmmm….

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I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!

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MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
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okay, obyus na joke yun. basta wag niyo na lang alamin! not knowing is the sweetest thing and ignorance is bliss nga daw, di ba?

thatsit!

iloevit! iloveit!

ja ne!

why is it that everytym i want to write something happy, something awful happens and i’m compelled to write about that tragedy.

latest of course, is about my computer. it crashed. the files were corrupted. everything, honey! as in. poof! 6 years of hard work and memories were forever lost in technical oblivion. don’t start preaching aboyt back-up. you don’t know how hard it is to deal with a computer like mine. it’s consatntly sick and totally independent. .it secluded itself from the rest of …. the world? something like that. it’s really har dto explain. basta walang back-up.

hay. 100++ na poems. drafts of my two novels (theatre of tragedy and two kingdoms), memoirs of stc days, reports, monologues, buk i wrote for sibika, scripts i wrote both for theater (own version of phantom, merchant act 5, human version of gentlemen of the jungle, misfit) and TV (my KNN eps, seniors ball d movie) mga favorite stories, essays or refelctions n pinagawa at tinago ko, sandamukal n pix ko, mg apaboritong anime, write-ups, notepad diary, slideshow presentation simula nung patay na patay pa ako kay dan r….lahat…………………all of them…….as in lahat…………….NAGLAHO!

feel ko tuloy im losing my identity (kala nio religion sasabihin ko noh!) feel ko may amnesia ako. im slowly forgetting who i was. who i am. i very much like who i was one year ago. and i very much like to stay like that. you have to hate change sometimes. malay. adjusting p rin b ang tawag d2? parang ang unfair. unlike some of my contemporaries, i have to adjust more. maraming nwala sa buhay ko. mga tao, bagay, hayop, lugar. lahat. feel ko dapat gumawa ako ng bagong tao. malay. naninibago lng tlga ako. sa skul ng alng malaking adjustment na, nakakadishearten lng na sa bahay, adjusting p rin. lahat ng nakasanayan ko, parang wala na.

kaya ng afeel ko, wala na akong sense of who i am. ung bagong katulong pa namin, di ko katimpla sa music. ung mga korni ung pinakikinggan. wla lng. napansin ko lang and nabother ako kc familiar nrn ako sa mga baduy na songs. yep i admit. spoiled brat ako and high maintenance pa. eh gnun ako eh. gusto ko un. aioko magbago kahit sabihin ng mga tao na di maiiwasan ang pagbabago. eh mas masaya ako sa ganung katauhan eh. mas natural ako. mas napapakisamahan. di ako umiiyak gabi2. higit sa lahat, minahal ako ng mga tao dhl gnun ako. d nmn ng lahat ngtao pero ung pagmamahal at pagkakaibigan na binigay ko sa iba, naibalik sa akin.

bakit pa nga ba ako nagrereklamo? simple. sa sobrang freedom sa UP, natatakot ako sa mga nadidiskubri ko tungkol sa sarili ko..pero aun nga. pag total freedom pa, walang pumipigil skn.

miss ko na ung taong sinasamba at dino-diyos. miss ko na ung taong pinagtatwanan lng ung mga masamang nangyayari sknya. miss ko na ung taong bumabangon ng mai ngiti at hinaharap ang araw ng may galak sa kanyang puso. miss ko na ung taong masipag, mabilis magtrabaho, mapagkakatiwalaan. miss ko na ung taong nirerespeto at tinitingala ng iba. miss ko na ung taong makakausap mo kht san man tungkol yan. miss ko n aung baliw. miss ko ung peacemaker na troublemaker din. miss ko n ung madalas mademonyo pero madalas parang anghel din. miss ko na ung mahilig gumimik at tumambay kung san2. miss ko na ung taong napaka-enthusiastic about life at di nauubusan ng ideas. miss ko na ung taong alam ang limitasyon niya. miss ko n aung taong tatanga-tanga minsan pero pag humirit, lahat mapapatulala. miss ko na ung taong mahilig magyabang at magfeeling. (ay w8, and2 p nmn ata un) miss ko na ung taong nakangiti lagi at di takot sabihin ang gusto niayng sabihin. miss ko na ung taong mas pipiliin magising at gumalaw kaysa matulog at maglakbay sa nakakaraan. miss ko ang nag-iisang taong minahal ko sa loob ng 16 na taon.

miss ko na si ernica.

alam nio ba kung asan xa? ipaalam nio nmn skn asap. kailangan ko xa ngayon.

go to my multiply: ernicadarkchoco.multiply.com

more pictures over there.

miss you all…

hehe.:)