Checked out my old entries.
Hmm. I was wrong about myself. I thought I dumbed myself down during "that time" but in fact, I was just more reflective about life and stuff.
Maybe what happened was a change of priorities.
Maybe we all go through that phase and mine just came too early.
Maybe I was having some sort of mid-life crisis. I hope not, though. Bec that would mean I only have another eighteen years to live.
My friend and I were talking a few days ago and like all decent conversations we have, it led to the arduous and often painful quest for the modern myths, happiness and contentment.
"I think I keep on wanting the things that are not so desirable because it eliminates the possibility that things would work out and at least, from the start, I know it wouldn’t work out…" she said something to that effect but I distinctly remember that she used the words "elminate" and "possibility".
That conversation wasn’t the usual whining we had. I think that in some twisted way, there is some truth to what she said.
***
Happiness is a bitch, really. I’m standing up to what I said last time that I’m through wooing her, it, whatever. People say happiness is a decision and that you’ve got to anchor it to something stable. But could you really choose what makes you happy? Isn’t happiness something that just happens?
Gelo always told me that you can’t change what’s happening around you but what you could change is your perspective of things, how you look at it and your attitude towrads it. The git says the most sensible things at times, see.
For a while I thought the same principle would apply to happiness - if things fuck up, just look at the brighter side of things, take control, smile and be happy. Then it’s just tiring. I mean, you have to exert effort all the time. I never really thought happiness as something forced. It’s supposed to be this ideal of ideals, something serendipitous, something that just happens.
Then it hit me. After eons of runnig after it, I decided it was something that I will just welcome into my life, something that will just happen and I will embrace the moment as much as I could, be completely aware of it and also of the fact that it’s fleeting - but since I am aware of these truths, I will not be afraid of its moment of departure. There. Happiness settled. Let’s fathom contentment now.
***
The same friend and I were defining contenment. And I said, "it’s knowing that there’s something better out there but you wouldn’t give up what you have right now for that other better thing."
Well said.
However, another friend of mine told me that I shouldn’t really settle for the next best thing because the best thing is out there, waiting for me - bec the "enemy" of the best thing isn’t really the worst, it’s the next best. I wanted to agree with her, but contentment, as far as my definition and history goes, it’s not as easy as that.
Contentment is what I would like to be decided upon. Do I go for this or that? So it’s all about decisions, which takes me back to the original conversation with this friend. She told me that either consciously or unconsciously, she’s deciding and wanting things that she knows isn’t really deserving bec she knows it would fuck up. And for years, I carried on with the same mentality - to want things that I know would blow up in one way or the other bec I still have that sense of control, that I still know how things would turn out bec I decided for things to be this way, that I didn’t really want things, that I’m less likely to be hurt bec I simply know and have decided this for myself. So I think I get the drift of what my friend has been telling me.
I think, (and this is not necessarily a claim) that we’re all somehow jaded so now we’re scared or we hide behind the pretense of contentment in one way or the other. And this is not just about love. This is applicable to almost all things in life we are searching for - be it romance, an idea, a lost ideal, a higher Being, a story or even ourselves. I think we’re somehow scared to want things bec we know how powerful we really are and when we finally get what we truly want, we’re just don’t know how to handle it and we’re so, so scared that one day, it might leave us or it might not be what we imagined. We’re unprepared or we see ourselves as undeserving of something that great, something that amazing, life-changing (or ending)
I blame the movies. After the happily ever after, the scene fades out and the credits roll. It does not tell us what happens after so in real life, if we do get our happily ever after, we wouldn’t know what to do as well. We can’t simply fade out. And I personally don’t think it’s a good idea to do a Kurt Cobain…
But deep, deep in my heart (or the pieces that are left) I still want my happily ever after bec when I die, I want to look back and say that it’s been a good life (and that Hollywood producers should make a movie out of my life since it’s so freakin’ awesome) Something like that. I think I do know what I want. And maybe it’s about time that I give it a chance and some recognition. It maybe a leap into darkness, that unaimed shot into nothingness but I think it’s still worth a try.
—
View this entry also on my multiply! http://ernicadarkchoco.multiply.com
Slopes. This entry is about slopes. And equations. I’m kidding.
Suddenly I’ve realized that everyday is not all about sunshine and daisies. There will be periods of blade-wrist-blood even if the general atmosphere has tested for satisfactory. Yes, even if the show is getting top ratings.
The tangles in the imbroglio are still there. The happiness are mere episodes. The bitterness, just segments. Then there is love, which should govern and direct where the "show" is supposed to be going. The ever-frightening commitment is there to complicate things. Then, there is compassion, companionship, trust, understanding, a bit of deception and an all-star cast.
Welcome to my life. It’s far from boring, trust me.
Immortal and haunting words from the master of goth, Edgar Allan Poe. Enjoy.
—
"The thousand injuries of Fortunato I had borne as I best could, but when he ventured upon insult, I vowed revenge. You, who so well know the nature of my soul, will not suppose, however, that I gave utterance to a threat.
At length I would be avenged; this was a point definitively settled — but the very definitiveness with which it was resolved precluded the idea of risk. I must not only punish, but punish with impunity. A wrong is unredressed when retribution overtakes its redresser. It is equally unredressed when the avenger fails to make himself felt as such to him who has done the wrong."
- The Cask of Amontillado, Edgar Allan Poe
There. Tests of maturity well on its way to make my life more miserable exciting.
Usually, when I’m pissed at someone, they end up dead and their corpses are usually found on the gutter. I’m kidding! Or am I?
Anyways, my motto in life has always been Nemo Me Impune Lacessit. It’s Latin for "Whoever hurts me shall not go unpunished." It came from Edgar Allan Poe’s Cask of Amontillado. It was the Montresor’s family motto. These immortal and haunting words were emblazoned on the family crest. This infamous crest is similarly chilling as it depicts a foot stepping on the snake that bit it.
I’ve read the story when I was fourteen and the words just stuck to me. I had adopted the motto ever since. It has been a rule, a personal guide. Whoever hurts me shall not go unpunished.
It’s damn intimidating and just might scare people away from messing with me. When they actually do, let’s just say I have the means of actualizing this guide in life.
Words become flesh. And blood. Preferably oozing until its owner is exsanguinated.
For years, people have fleeted in fear, dismay and confusion. However, and fortunate at that, I do change. Or mature. Or saturate. Or ferment. Whatever. And there are times that come when I am tempted to go back to the old ways. Then I think of the risks and sacrifices involved. I close my eyes, sigh deeply, count to twenty-three and let it go.
My pride and motto aren’t worth another tangle in the imbroglio. Not now.
dear blog, kunyari may sense ka. dear blog, bakit lahat ng sentences ko ngayon ay nagsisimula sa "dear"?
dear blog, di ko pa rin ata alam gusto ko.
… from deleting this account.
Add me at Facebook, friends!
—
To him who know and understands, I actually think it’s jinxed if we tell each other openly about such things but I’m willing to take the risk.
So, here it goes…
I love you .
Dear Blog,
I know I’m smarter than this.
Just because I have to look stupid doesn’t mean I have to be or think like one.
I suddenly hate myself because I know I’m not getting what I deserve… because I’m not doing what I’m supposed to do.
Blog, I will be more responsible.
Love,
Nicai
Lechugas.
Bakit ba kasi napakatelenovela ng buhay ko? Telenovelang napakataas ng ratings! Shooocks. Sinisingil na naman ako ng mga kalokohan ko.
For the first time in my life, sinubukan ko maging iresponsable. Cut me some slack. Gahd! Testing lang naman. Oo, mas gusto ko rin kung ano ako dati at kung paano ako mamuhay. Pero dahil sa mga napagdaanan ko, lumawak din ang perspektibo ko sa mundo. Mas naramdaman kong buhay ako, mas natuto ako.
Tumatanda na ako. Alam ko pa rin ang ginagawa ko. Sa mga mapanghusga, wala akong pakialam sa mga iniisip niyo. Responsibilidad ko ang sarili ko at hangga’t naniniwala ako sa mga pinaggagawa ko, paninindigan ko ito.
Oo, magulo ako at magulo rin ang buhay ko. Pero I wouldn’t have it any other way. Sari-sariling trip lang yan. Okay? Wala akong inaaway, ayt? Peace tayong lahat 
Gusto ko masasaya ang entries sa lecheng blog na ito bago ak =o mag-birthday.
Shocks di ko na type and friendster. I rarely visit here. Let’s all be facebook friends na lang, ok? Mas updated ko yun eh. And mas fun yun!!!
