bittersweet

A bit of update: yes, I’m still alive. At least that’s what I think. After selling my soul to the devil incarnate, I have finally emerged out of purgatorio. I have completed my contra passo and have outwitted the guardian of the light to allow me into heaven.

—

Here’s my latest blog post on multiply. I love the way I wrote it.

http://ernicadarkchoco.multiply.com/journal/item/23

Feel free to comment. I need consoling, really. Special thanks to Josie and Kia who treated me ice cream and told me things I needed to hear. Yes, He is amazing.

—

And here’s some shots I took from the adult-ish movie we filmed a while ago. It’s starring me, of course. The flighty seductress.

It was fun, scary but I was game. Bring it on.

http://ernicadarkchoco.multiply.com/photos/album/69

PS I hope I can upload the vid on my multiply site some time. Let’s just see.

Bakit ka na naman umiiyak? Kaw talaga oh! Ayan ka na naman eh. Pero sige, labas mo lang yan. Kesa naman mabigat na naman yung nararamdaman mo at nakatulala ka na naman sa kawalan.

Buti na lang at sabi naman ng mga tao ay parang wala lang daw sa’yo. Kung alam lang nila… Haaay.

Ayokong nakikita kang nasasaktan. Karapat-dapat kang maging masaya. Marami kang napapasaya. Dapat ikaw din.

Ayos lang naman siguro kung hindi mo pa alam ang gusto mong mangyari. Ayos lang naman siguro ang maguluhan. Ewan, di ako nasa kundisyon para payuhan ka. Ako rin kasi naghihirap. Pero kahit naghihirap, eto pa rin, pinapasaya ka.

Ayos ka naman dati, di ba? Parang ganun lang, parang dati…

Ah, oo nga pala. Hindi ka rin masaya nun.

Ano ba kasi ang magpapasaya sa’yo? Wag mo sabihing sya. Nakakatakot kung iaasa mo ang kaligayahan mo sa isang tao. Bakit mo ba kasi kinalimutan yun?

Pasensya na at marami pa akong tanong, kitang ganyan ka.

O, tahan na. Kahit papano, siguro, mas magiging masaya ang bukas.

Love my new entries there. At least people react to it. Instant readership is love.

So, what was I going to do? Oh yeah, bitch more about life…

—

If there’s one thing the past few month made me, it’s less youknowwhat believe it or not.

And waterworks episodes like these definitely tone me down even more. I mean, every time I touch myself, I remember him touching me. So, I’d be depressed and all. Which is good because at least now, I equate youknowwhat with a negative thing.

It’s like what that guy in Supersize Me said. The reason why we keep going back in fastfood places is because we equate going there with happy emotions and moments. For example, when we were kids, we’d be with mum and dad and we’d be bought a happy meal and all. So, there.

Then he says to himself that what he’ll do is he’ll hit his kid in the head every time they pass by a Mcdonald’s. So the kid would only remember pain and suffering and such. And he’ll loathe the place when he grows up? Possibly.

Nice mentality, eh?

I’ll put that into practice.

Chastity, here I come.

Dahil masaya mabuhay.

Dahil marami akong pinagsisisihan sa mga ginawa ko.

Dahil ang mga katagang "it’s too late" ay di lang para sa mga hospital drama.

Dahil natatanong ko sa sarili ko kung bakit di na lang parang dati.

Dahil sana nakokontrol ko ang apoy at kadiliman.

Dahil gusto ko mambura ng mga tao sa friends’ list ko.

Dahil unti-unting nasisira ang buhay ko.

Dahil sanay na ako sa ganitong pagtrato kahit alam kong di dapat ako ganito tratuhin.

Dahil gusto ko lang.

Dahil ang kapatid ng dagang si Yuki na si Yuko ay pumasok sa kwarto.

Dahil sumasakit uli ang tiyan ko.

Dahil alam kong mag-uusap na naman kami ni Lord mamaya at magsisimula ang paghagulgol ko sa kanya ng "Lord, di ba…"

Dahil wala ako sa mood pumasok bukas kahit alam kong kailangan.

Dahil ayoko na ever pumuntang CMC library dahil sawa na ako maghintay dun.

Dahil kung anu-ano uli ang pumapasok sa isip ko.

Dahil gusto ko mawala ng ilang linggo, para hanapin ako ng mga tao kung hahanapin nga nila ako.

Dahil ang tanga-tanga ko.

Dahil nakakarma ata ako.

Dahil naasar ako sa’yo at sa kanila.

Dahil naasar ako sa sarili ko.

Dahil andami kong pinapasaya kahit ako gusto ko na talaga umiyak.

Dahil gusto ko matulog at hindi na gumising.

—

Paano kaya pag hindi na nga ako magising? Ano kaya gagawin mo? Laging mong tinatanong sa akin kung ano ang gagawin ko kung bigla kang mamatay. Dahil sinubukan mo, alam mo na ang sagot. Ako kaya, subukan ko?

Ako naman kaya ngayon?

First and foremost, I would like to suggest you guys to download and listen to the songs I post here. Why? ‘Cause they’re all good.

Now, here’s something.

I love this song. Muse knows me. Personally. Really

—

TIME IS RUNNING OUT

-MUSE-

I think I’m drowning
asphyxiated
I wanna break the spell
that you’ve created

you’re something beautiful
a contradiction
I wanna play the game
I want the friction

you will be
the death of me
yeah, you will be
the death of me

bury it
I won’t let you bury it
I won’t let you smother it
I won’t let you murder it

our time is running out
and our time is running out
you can’t push it underground
we can’t stop it screaming out

I wanted freedom
but I’m restricted
I tried to give you up
but I’m addicted

now that you know I’m trapped
sense of elation
you’ll never dream of breaking this fixation
you will squeeze the life out of me

bury it
I won’t let you bury it
I won’t let you smother it
I won’t let you murder it

our time is running out
and our time is running out
you can’t push it underground
we can’t stop it screaming out
how did it come to this

you will suck the life out of me

bury it
I won’t let you bury it
I won’t let you smother it
I won’t let you murder it

our time is running out
and our time is running out
you can’t push it underground
we can’t stop it screaming out

how did it come to this

I like its beats. And I seem to be enjoying break-up and bitter songs lately. Is this a sign? *pulls out shovel and gun* No, silly. I’m not going to use it…

On myself, of course.

>:)

—

HOT HOT HEAT

Goodnight Goodnight
It’s not enough to hear me say you’ve won
You only wanted me for having fun
But now I think you’ve gone and had your way
And left me with a pile of bills to pay
I can’t even rewind the tape machine
To listen to your drunken reasoning
So here it is - your final lullaby

Goodnight, goodnight
You’re embarrassing me
You’re embarrassing you
So Goodnight, goodnight
Walk away from the door
Walk away from my life
So goodnight

Yeah, we’ll take over the world someday.

The all-knowing, the all-controling, the all-doing.

What more can I say, really?

—

PS I hope hypnosis works. I badly need some brainwashing. That, or someone needs to build me a time machine.

I have the weirdest titles but I’m pretty sure you guys get the connection anyway.

However, this title is exactly the opposite of what this entry is all about.

… because it’s the most wonderful thing, really. I kept raving about it the afternoon after. And there are some things that I just can’t say ’cause I’m afraid that I might ruin it all.

But I want to, obviously.

Then, I can’t.

So why am I even blogging about this?

Because I have hangovers.

It’s the most addicting drug, really. I should go into rehab. Or not.

***

I’m scared for myself again. I told myself that I won’t fall into the same trap anymore but I just can’t help it.

‘Cause it was just so wonderful. ‘Cause he’s just so wonderful. ‘Cause this is just so wonderful… And I find myself wishing that wonderful would be forever. Then again, there is no such thing as forever and wishing it to be so would just make it nonexistent.

Then I find myself wishing that I hadn’t been so redundant. I’ve been talking about this the past few days and I just can’t seem to shut up. So maybe it is better to pretend that it didn’t happen because doing so will give me the peace of mind that I need.

But then again, I’d rather have something fleeting and real than constant and mediocre.

Oh geez, I can’t make up my mind now… and I’m talking troll!!!

***

Is it really true that there are things better left unsaid? Enlighten me.