bittersweet

*Sighs*

I think I’m too pretty for my own good. (Excuse the public display of vanity, people. Sometimes, a girl needs to exercise this prerogative.)

I’ve been living under a rock these past few months and I think it’s about time that I crawl out of it.

I’m not a freakin’ lamp that someone just can switch on and off, right? I need confirmation here, people. The worst  part is, lamps aren’t even living things and I am. I have blood, bones, flesh and organs. I can die. I’m very capable of being hurt.

So I think it’s about time people appreciate me for who I am, for what I can do. I’m human and I get tired too. I can’t stay forever, as much as I want to.

He said this with that proverbial smirk. About twice in an hour.

Goodness, like I could post the stuff he said here! MTRCB is monitoring my blog for chrissakes!

And little kids are part of my readership! I have no intention of stealing their precious innocence. No sir!

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

His highne Senpai’s just stubborn sometimes.

I thrive for a complicated life.

I love being the “undefined”, the “this requires a long explanation”.

Because, frankly said, I’m not that simple either. I can’t be defined that easily.

I have the oddest wants and needs.

I love being thrown into imbroglios. I love the suffering, the drama and the pockets of hope and flashes of smiles in between.

I guess I’m just built that way.

I hope you understand that I’m just like this.

Delikadesa - something a lot of people are forgetting/don’t have.

I always thought it was just a kolehiyala thing but then, for social order and appearances, I now believe everyone needs it too. Not for being prude or plastic in any way, rather to not contribute to the discord in this already-chaotic society that we have.

Look boys and girls, when the person you love leaves you, do what you think will comfort you as long as you don’t harm, annoy or disturb others in the process.

Think of it this way - shouting out your frustrations in the market/bulletin/whatever will only confirm that you are on the losing side. It means you’re still affected. Who knows? That person may just be laughing at your efforts of sourgraping. Why not try to be indifferent? Indifference hurts more than angry words. Let me remind all of you that you all are living testimonies of that. (I know all your stories and this is just a suggestion; You won’t lose your left leg if you try it.)

Fine, fine. I get it that we need to express ourselves. But we don’t necesarilly have to do it in public, right?

If you posted a bulletin, a blog entry or a shout-out, I suggest you delete it. I’m only going to say this once. It makes you look pathetic. And I don’t want any of my friends to be branded like that. I know you’re all way better than that.

I get it that we have different styles of expression and moving on, but sheesh, I reiterate, do it with some control.

Have some delikadesa.

—

PS this entry is directed to three people in particular. I’m not sure if you guys read my blog, but if you do and you get to read this entry, I hope you won’t get mad. I’m just concerned.

Hmm, a few metaphors that have made me wince, but other than that, quite a nice song.

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer.

That was too literal. And oh-so-true.

Here you are, Boys and Girls…

—

BOYS LIKE GIRLS LYRICS

"Thunder"

Today is a winding road that’s taking me to places that I didn’t want to go
Whoa (whoa, whoa, whoa)
Today in the blink of an eye I’m holding on to something and I do not know why
I tried

I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation
For what I’m feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there’s a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you’re unlike any other?
You’ll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don’t wanna ever love another
You’ll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Today is a winding road
Tell me where to start and tell me something I don’t know
Whoa (whoa, whoa, whoa)
Today I’m on my own
I can’t move a muscle and I can’t pick up the phone
I don’t know (I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know)

And now I’m itching for the tall grass
And longing for the breeze
I need to step outside
Just to see if I can breathe
I gotta find a way out
Maybe theres a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you’re unlike any other?
You’ll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don’t wanna ever love another
You’ll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain

Yeah I’m walking on a tightrope
I’m wrapped up in vines
I think we’ll make it out
But you just gotta give me time
Strike me down with lightning
Let me feel you in my veins
I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain

Today is a winding road that’s taking me to places that I didn’t want to go
Whoa

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you’re unlike any other?
You’ll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don’t wanna ever love another
You’ll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder, and I said
Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you’re unlike any other?
You’ll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
Oh baby bring on the pain
And listen to the thunder

Supposed to be writing film112 reaction paper and journ101’s reading synopsis and preparing power suit for tomorrow’s class under (yes, under) Sir Avecilla and browsing through Ma’am Holmes’ readings and finishing script (which is taking a century to be transcribed). . .

But no. I am here for another complaint, another dictum that I need to exhaust.

So here I am.

In some sort of like/love withrawal. It’s funny how the different forces at play eat your brain cells and morals up. It’s like you want to care but you feel like it’s so below you - but that just means that you don’t (in the first place) because you just dismissed a desparate, personal suggestion.

Then you reminisce and all of a sudden you feel like fighting for making the feelings stay because taking the gamble means a chance at succeeding. Then you’re scared so you don’t take it.

Then you’re back to where you were - feelings limbo. You feel the hugs, the kisses, even indulge in the sweet nothings but inside, you’re on some autopilot of some kind. Like, you don’t know what you’re supposed to feel. Or if you should be feeling at all. Or if you should be called human, at the very least.

The only way out of this is if an outside force either hoists you up or pulls you down. You may be happy or not for whichever place you end up on but anywhere else would be better than some god-forsaken-vestibule of undiscovered feelings and forgotten passion.

… because sometimes, you just have to pretend not to care. Or that you’re not hurt or jealous or bitter.

Maybe because doing so is an affirmation that you have completely lost control of yourself and have thrown yourself at the mercy of someone or something.

However, what you’re doing is just putting on a face, or rather, a mask. You’re showing everyone how strong you are but in the end, what really matters is what you feel inside. You can hide behind several masks, new make-up, fashionable clothes, maybe even a haircut or highlights, well-polished nails and a loyal band of boys worshipping the ground you walk on, but really, those things won’t really change what you feel inside.

Or maybe it would - in time.

As for me, I’m not doing it because I need a mask… I’m doing it to convince other people, because maybe, in the process, I’d convince myself.

mental age critique

1. [x] I know how to make a pot of
coffee. (sige nga, starbucks?)
2. [ ] I do my own laundry. (not that you do, but can you?)
3. [x] I can cook for myself.
4. [x] I think politics are exciting. (if you think politics isn’t exciting, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re immature. it’s just that you may have other interests. ang test of maturity d’yan ay kung aware ka ba at nakikialam. i mean, excited ka nga sa politics pero hanggang excitement lang pala…)
5. [x] My parents have better things to
say than my friends. (ang tanga rin nito kasi parents are not infallible. i mean, some of my greatest epiphanies come from my friends)
6. [x] I show up for
school/college/work
every day early. (so what kung early? thas one thing. but the Q is, do you step up and participate well?)
7. [x] I always carry a pen in my
pocket/purse. (sige paano pag magtae ang pen mo?)
8. [x] I’ve never gotten a detention (ano ngayon kung never?)
9. [x] I’ve watched talk shows. (anong klaseng talk shows ito?)
10.[x] I know what ‘credibility’ means
without looking it up. (duh.)
11.[x] I drink coffee at least once a
week. (ano ngayon? coffee ba ang basehan ng pagiging mature?)
12. [x] I know how to do the dishes. (eto gets ko pa)
13. [x] I can count to 10 in Chinese. (sige nga, aanhin mo yan?)
14. [x] When I say I’m going to do
something, I do it. (eto gets ko rin)
15. [x] My parents trust me.
16. [ ] I can mow the lawn. (pano pag wala kayong lawn, aber?! kasalanan mo ba yun? ibig sabihin di ka na mature)
17. [x] I can make adults laugh without
being stupid. (dude, why just the adults? why not the children as well? sense of humor doesn’t equate to maturity although some studies say na it’s related to IQ. but those are 2 completely dif things)
18. [ ] I remember to water my plants. (pano pag wala kayong plants?!?)
19. [x] I study when I have to. (pano pag di ka na nagaaral? how about the out of school youth?)
20. [x] I pay attention at
school/college. (hayy..)
21. [ ] I remember to feed my pets. (pano pag wala kang pets?)
22. [x] I can spell ‘experience’
without looking it up (wow. pasado ka na sa grade two! congrats! ergo, mature ka na! *note the sarcasm*)
23. [x] I clean up my own mess. (no comment dito. profound ito kahit pano)
24. [ ] The first thing I do when I
wake up is get caffeine. (eto na naman tayo)
25. [x] I can go to the store without
getting something I don’t need. (ano ngayon?)
26. [ ] I understand jokes the first
time they are said. (pano pag di mo narinig?)
27. [x] I can type quickly. (muli, ano ngayon?)
28. [ ] I have realized that the
weather forecast changes every hour. (so?)
29. [ ] I have realized that no one
will take you seriously unless you are
over the age of 25 and have a job. (go lang. be jaded. there are actually kids who are being taken more seriously than you are if you believe this)
30. [x] I can read a book and actually
finish it.

> (now add them all up)

Grand Total:
Re-post as, "My mental age is…."

comment ko pa: so what if you could do all these things? una kasi, define "mental age". does it mean maturity or what? kasi naman things posted here are those let’s say, how society perceives the working class people and their habits and routines pero it doesn’t necessarily mean na dahil ginagawa mo yung ginagawa nila ay ka-mental age mo na sila. it just means na pareho kayo ng routine. period. baka kasi nasanay ka na sa ganoong lifestyle or whatever. wag na nating gawan ng storya.

kung maturity lang rin namanang pag-uusapan, gusto ko lang i-share yung quote na nabasa ko. sabi nun na you’re starting to mature when you start putting other people before you. tipong hindi na lang tungkol sa’yo ang lahat, etc. hindi ganun kasimple madetermine yan. at iba2 naman ang pagdevelop at pag-asenso natin bilang tao kaya kung mababa man ang nakuha mo sa sarbey na ito, wag ka magalala. hindi ibig sabihin na wala kang kwentang tao. marami ka pa ring pwedeng gawin sa mundong ito kahit hindi mo kapareho ang klase ng buhay ng mga taong sinasabi ng lahat ay "mataas ang mental age"

agree ba?

- nicai

“I love you” contains eight letters…

But so does “bullshit”.

(a quote from Aleli)
—

I’ve edited these grade school english grammar books last summer. And one of the lessons were about root words. We obviously know what that is, right?

So what’s the root word of “reality”? If my grade school teacher taught me right, it is “real”. And real can be interpreted in so many ways by many different people. Some say it’s in direct proportion with the truth, but I disagree with that. Mostly because deception has been a very big part of my reality and a minute’s worth of honesty is next to imposible.

What I have learned about “reality” so far is that it consists of the bitter and the sweet. And you never really get to appreciate the other side of it without falling trap to the other. It works that way, I guess. Must be nature’s way of balancing out things.

So, “facing” reality must mean… well, facing it - offering your face to be slapped and carressed at the same time.

—

Personally, i’ve always prefered to live in my dreams, in my wishes. But I have to grow up, right? I need to wake up to smell the roses and smell the shit. No one’s asking me to but I know this will make me stronger.

It will hurt. I will bleed. But the important thing is, I’ve freed myself of the bondage (sometimes sugar-coated with the sweetest words) and let loose the blindfold of ignorance and wishful thinking. Because reality isn’t about the what-should-have-been and what-could-be. It’s about what is and what’s there.

There will always be things that you have always wished for and thought of that will never even take its place in our realm and there would always be those things that you have never imagined but happened anyways. The least we could do is accept these “realities” and make the most out of it.

It’s practical, simple and logical.

It may hurt us, gladden us and even kill us.

But that’s life.

You grow up and you learn.

You live in “reality” because that’s the only “place” you can live. Really.

I should start standing up for myself, you know. (And i’m talking to myself here :p) I should stop letting people take advantage of me. It’s called "abuse" for chrissakes!

I honestly think I lack conviction in what I do. This is just a remind of my vow last summer - I will speak out even if that means hurting a few loved ones along the way. I just can’t keep on saying "yes" to everything that people ask me to do. I’m sorry, I’m not a martyr like some people are. I can’t die for someone else. I’m not that selfless yet. I can sacrifice a bit but really, I should start taking care of me the right way and start owning up to my actions.

I need conviction in my life. Desperately, desperately need it.

I should not be ashamed to be mad or helpless or sad. I should cry whenever I feel like it. I should preach when I think it’s necessary. I may not be always right and my timing may not be always perfect, but at least I didn’t just bottle up all those emotions and thoughts. I think it’s worse if I leave them locked up like that.